Setting Limits For Your Child That Stick0 comments

“My child tells me that my rules are stupid”

“My daughter argues with me every time I try to limit her phone time, sleepovers and computer use!”

“When I tell my son to go to sleep, why won’t he just go to sleep?!” 

When we make rules for our children we should not expect that our children will listen. Children don’t always like the limits that we set. Kids just like adults, do not like being told what to do, even if it is for their own good. It is only natural that our children will try to find ways so that they do not have to comply.

There is one tactic that our children use that drives us parents crazy and that is, children will be fresh and talk back in order to wiggle out of doing what we say. If our kids are rude and disrespectful it usually leads us straight into some sort of power struggle and conflict. We use up a lot of energy when we fight with our kids. There usually isn’t a lot left over to enforce our rules. We may not realize it but when children do this, we get distracted from the real issues at hand.

To explain this concept fully, here is an example of a dialogue, where a child uses back talk to avoid following rules:

Mom: Honey, I told you no makeup until you are 12 years old.

Daughter: But all my friends do it!

Mom: So what!

Daughter: Well, that is the dumbest rule I ever heard. It’s just because you don’t know the first thing about makeup and you always look so out of style!

Mom: How dare you say that to me!

Daughter: I can say whatever I want! I hate your rules. You are so mean!

Mom: You are so fresh!

The battle can just get worse from here. Tensions can escalate with no end in sight.

Wendy Mogel, author of “The Blessing of a B Minus”, suggests that parents ignore the rude behavior and concentrate on the mission of getting children to observe the rules. She proposes that parents stay calm when children attack and recommends using the following phrases to help us keep our cool and maintain the limits we set: 

Nevertheless….

That is not the issue.

My decision is final.

I am not going to change my mind about this.

We can replay the example above to show how these techniques can work. 

Mom: Honey, I told you no makeup until you are 12 years old.

Daughter: But all my friends do it!

Mom: Nevertheless, this is the rule.

Daughter: Well, that is the dumbest rule I ever heard. It’s just because you don’t know the first thing about makeup and you always look so out of style!

Mom: My decision about the makeup is final.

Daughter: I hate your rules, you are so mean!

Mom: That is not the issue.

Daughter: Fine, I am going to let my own daughter do whatever she wants!

Mom: I am not going to change my mind about this.

As you can see, these phrases help us avoid getting pulled into an argument with our kids. It helps us keep the peace even in our most difficult interactions. In the long run, it also teaches our children that bad manners and rudeness will not work in getting us to back down and rethink our rules.

For more great tips like these visit us at www.parentingsimply.com. We help you connect the pieces for a happy and healthy home.